


Three Villians Use A Phone

by Brokensoul



Category: Eragon - Fandom, Labyrinth, Once Upon A Time - Fandom
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:20:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23901475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brokensoul/pseuds/Brokensoul
Summary: This is suggested by Memorycrow, these three crabby divas try to navigate a modern phone help line
Relationships: Jareth - Relationship, Rumple - Relationship, durza - Relationship
Comments: 15
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

The door was definitely gone, there could be no mistake about it. It lay in charred and splintered pieces scattered about the landscape, and a couple of sad looking chickens scratched at the shards listlessly, clucking to each other in a way that obviously meant,” No, this isn’t food either.” The birds cocked their bobbing heads and glared beady eyes sideways at Jareth. Judging.

“You frog eyed syphilitic barnacle! Look at my door! “ Jareth practically stood en pointe as he danced in his rage. White long fingered hands flew up in the air. “What in the Seven Hells were you trying to do! What if Sarah should see this?” He was genuinely distressed, the destruction opened an exit through his wards, which kept his heart’s desire safely and lovingly imprisoned in his home.

“I did nothing other than a simple open spell, your door attacked me! Did you or did you not explicitly invite me to dine here tonight?” Rumple had bowed as he spoke, meant to be sarcastic, and as his his head rose, he too gave a side eyed, judging look at the Goblin King. One lip curled, displaying a fang.

A black fingernail pointed at Jareth. “What sort of hospitality is that?”

Jareth gasped, righteously affronted, certainly there was no more gracious and elegant, though reluctant, host than he!

“As if a hemorrhoidal toad’s scrotum-“

The oxygen was sucked violently out of the air at once, extinguishing every candle, prelude to a fierce backdraft. Sulphuric smoke billowed, ash floated, fire erupted. The third had arrived. 

“So,” drawled Durza, “who are we having for dinner?”

The Shade grninned, displaying a mouth full of needle teeth, “ I’m famished.”

Jareth was stunned. “Have you not noticed what this absolute cement block has done to my palace! My front door is a shambles!”

Durza sighed, “ I fail to see what that has to do with me, goblin.” Rumple giggled. “You invited me to eat.”

“As I pointed out!” Triumphant, Rumple spread hid his hands.

“Very well,H.R. Fuknstuf, enter my home.”


	2. More Villians

“Well, at least I’m fucking,’” Durza purred.

The three swaggered in through the ruin of Jareth’s palace door.

“Really, King, I am ,well,” Rumple’s hands fluttered and he quickly caught them to his chest. “I feel, well, that is to say, perhaps not entirely happy about what’s happened to your domicile.” Rumple, valuing his privacy so highly, would have been appalled had his own door been blown to smoking smithereens. So he felt ever so slightly a twitch of almost remorse; however, it wasn’t his door, nor his inconvenience, so the feeling quickly passed, surmounted by a snide amusement.

Rumple gave Durza a sly, conspiratorial look as the three companions followed Jareth’s swaying ass to the dining hall. 

“So, King,” Rumple made a friendly sound, interested,” you do seem a bit, hmm, frustrated, this evening. Anything I can help with? For a price , of course.”

“Sit.” Jareth imperiously indicated the high backed chairs around the banquet table, ignoring the imp’s taunt. “Music,” he demanded. Immediately a haunting melody began to play, gardenia and dirt scented candles bursting to light. “Dinner is served gentlemen, observe the beauty of the Underground.”

An entire roast Unicorn, with all the”fixins”, appeared on the polished table. Goblins and chickens rushed around to serve and pour wine. The smell was as if a constipated florist who had consumed his own rotted product for years had suddenly loosed his bowels at once. Sweet and putrid, the unicorn meat steamed like a pile of shit in July.

“Exquisite,” Durza murmured. The stomach churning scent of a pure beast viciously killed. So charming. This dinner might be worth it after all. He breathed deeply, he wouldn’t eat, of course, but the scent was extremely satisfying. His nostrils flared and black poison dripped from his nails. He wished Arya were here, now, bound and helpless. The romance of the unicorn was getting to him, he shook back his fall of blood red hair, mastering his weak romantic side.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry, I meant to finish this whole chapter, but I dissolved into giggles at the last line. Unfortunately if you’re under fifty you won’t get it, but it’s funny if you were there. I’ll get back to it when my giggle fit is over.


End file.
